Waking

Waking up can be very scary. You never know what exactly awaits you when you do. It could be some random memory or a feeling. It could be a feeling of regret or sorrow or a feeling of joy and hopefulness. It could be your sweetie kissing you good morning with that special stench of bad breath that only he or she has, or it could be that excruciating headache that only a night of heavy drinking can produce. Either way it comes down to the unknowings of how it is actually going to feel when you do wake up, and that is something I that I think about every time I'm lying awake trying to fend off insomnia. Usually you can find a special sadness to that awakening, especially after a particularly great evening. You completed a quest of some sort and went to sleep satisfied. Now you must take on a new day with a sense of uncertainty and maybe a bit of anxiety with some unease dropped into the mix. I think this is the reason most people say they would prefer to die in their sleep and I can get along with that wish. I find myself considering that when I first wake up. I have experienced a vastness of emotions and wouldn't feel slighted much if I were to go eternal in my sleep this very night. I know this probably sounds dark but come on, it's just how I feel. Anyways, I'm sure there won't be any crossing over tonight (sorry John Edward). I'll likely wake once again with stinky breath in my face or an overall sense of dread, possibly (probably) both, and I'll just get on with it.

gay

The topic of being gay came up in one of my classes today. Is it genetic or is it choice? As a teacher, I can not comment and I only have to listen. I think that Polish people are very crazy when it comes to being Catholic. There was not even a discussion that everyone i Poland said that it is a choice that people choice if they believe in Satin. Personally, I think it doesn't matter what the point is...that Polish people are really that close minded. I am setting in a room with 13 people who all say that if you touch someone of the same sex your a satanist. This is ridiculous. Who are we to make such a claim? Why can't people just live and let live? I think in Poland people try so hard to fit into some type of norm here that it is unfathomable for me to see them in any other way. Which is why I have promised from this day on, to push people in Poland to think outside the box. Let people be who they want to be and just because they don't make a donation to the dish on Sundays at church doesn't mean they are horrible and disgusting. Why not let women have rights, why can't the man stay at home while the woman works. Why can't I open my own door, carry my own groceries, light my own cigs, order my own food at a restaurant and choose to have sex with whomever I choose.

eugh

Is it normal and okay for people to find it acceptable to be so weird. I think that people shouldnt hide and they should live life anyway that they would want to and not be held back instead of worrying that people are going to steal your identity, find you, tell someone something about u...and any other weird fucking thought.

on a lighter note, ive moved into a really wonderful flat. It isn't as great as I am used to, not US material,lol... but it is good. It even looks like it could possibly be older than my country..which is kind of sweet.
I think that moving here has been changing for my lifestyle and all the things I do in Poland. It is refreshing, although I am in fact...tiredof weirdos.

I started this blog for many reasons. But generally because my sister wants to be updated on my life. I know when traveling back and forth from Germany to Poland and so on. We don't get much time to talk, generally I don't get much time to talk to anyone. I spend all my time adapting to a new environment and then I just leave. Good news though, I have been offered a position writing for a news paper in Poland. They like my stories and they believe my opinion has been a big hit. So, I guess it is safe to say that my journalist life hasn't yet slipped away from my finger tips. I will leave with this note... I hope my gma is getting better, I hope Urbana is doing well- I miss UU, I still need to figure out what to do now, and I hope that one day Tomasz will grow into a wonderful German boy and then I no longer have to be his nanny.

P.S.
The Euro went up, that makes me happy!!! :)

what was i thinking?
did i really believe that I could start any type of life in Poland for the time I was here. honestly now, I am speaking a foreign langugae... and I spend all day teaching people how to speak my own language. ugh.

I thought if I came here it would help me with my writings. what is better than being alone to set and write a best seller... but it only makes me more sad than what I was prior.
I want my mom.

eh....

I can't sleep. Can't really talk to someone without them asking me what one of the words mean... since this is an on going problem, I suppose ill put down my thoughts here. Maybe it will keep me from losing my insanity or being so pissed at people I shouldn't be.
I am really good at asking myself rhetorical questions on paper and then answering,who knows... lol.

:)

BTW, why is it that I can't speak to anyone here with out someone reporting it to the whole fucking world. It's like, o this is what she had for breakfast and then she took twelve steps to the restroom... she stayed in there for 47 flippin seconds and then she didn't wash her hands, and then she smiled at her room mate with the blonde hair as she walked back to the kitchen and boiled water for six minutes......
please, there is no reason to even care really. and since half the time they don't understand what the hell im saying, its relayed back to other people all twisted and skewed views because they don't know what they are talking about.